‘My husband doesn’t spend long enough on foreplay’

This week, our in-house sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a reader who wants to know how to tell her husband she wants more foreplay without offending him.

ASK: How can I get my husband do more foreplay? That’s the part I enjoy the most and honestly I’d be happy if that’s all we did, but my husband always goes straight to the ‘main event’ so to speak. How can I tell him I want more foreplay without offending him?

ANSWERS: If there was one thing I wish all men knew about women and sexit would be this, that Ladies often want much more foreplay and less penetration sex. I’m so glad you sent in this question.

I regularly have men contact me for support with erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. They want treatment from me to make sure they can ‘achieve’ penetration and have a longer penetration. Many have never asked their female partners what they want. A lot of partners tell me they don’t want longer penetration – they want more of everything else.

Lack of foreplay increases pain and decreases pleasure

Not spending enough time on foreplay increases the likelihood that a female will feel pain during sex and reduce her pleasure. Spending longer (at least 20 minutes) in foreplay is one of the first steps sex therapists advise for women who have difficulty reaching orgasm.

A minimum of 20 minutes of foreplay is recommended

It takes about 20 minutes for a woman’s body to fully prepare for sexual intercourse. Today, women’s bodies undergo complex changes to prepare for sex, including producing more lubrication and “tenting” the vaginal canal. With busy lives and a full mental load to juggle, foreplay also gives women time to relax, which is essential for feeling more pleasure.

I recognize that this is much longer than some couples spend in foreplay! To some people this sounds like a long time, others wish I had said 45 minutes.

The ‘Golden Trio’ in foreplay increases a woman’s chance of orgasm

A ‘Golden Trio’ of moves has been discovered that, when incorporated into foreplay lasting at least 20 minutes, further increases a woman’s chances of orgasming. This threesome includes deep kissing, touching each other’s genitals and oral sex.

How to ask what you want in bed

All this is really just to say that what you want is perfectly reasonable. Women may eventually start to question whether it’s okay to ask for what they want because it doesn’t match what their partner wants. I want all women to know it’s okay to ask for whatever you want.

Also keep in mind that many men I speak to in therapy tell me they want more direction from their partner.

Here are some things you can say in the bedroom (and beyond) to tell your partner what you want.

Try a lighter approach first

I want you to tease me more first.

Let’s take our time, I’m really having a good time.

If he doesn’t respond, try a firmer approach

I’m not done yet (if he tries penetration). I’d like you to… (tell him exactly what you want instead).

If these attempts don’t get you what you want, you may need to have a more direct conversation if you’re not caught up in the moment in bed.

I always recommend a three-step approach when having a conversation about what you would like sexually:

Tell your partner what you already like

Ask what you want to try

Ask if they are open to it

Here’s what it might sound like:

I really enjoy sex with you. I especially like… (be specific about something you like). What I think would make it even better for me is that we take more time, especially in foreplay. I’d love it if we could (be specific about something you like). Would you be open to trying that?

Open sexual communication is one of the most important factors of a great sex life. Because it’s not something many of us have learned, so it can feel awkward at first. But don’t worry, it gets easier with practice.

Isiah McKimmie is a relationship therapist, sexologist, sexologist and teacher. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.