“Why am I so obsessed with my lazy ex-husband?”

This week, our live-in sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a reader who is thinking about rekindling the romance with her ex-husband.

ASK: I left my husband two years ago after 10 years of marriage. To be laziness and ambivalence towards everything about our lives and relation drove me crazy and I saw no way out but to leave him and start over.

He seemed taken aback and heartbroken when I told him I was going, but he also didn’t do anything to try and win me back. Since then he has lost weight and seems to have many new friends and hobbies.

I know I shouldn’t, but I check his Instagram every day and I’m so jealous of his happy new life. It’s not that I don’t want him to move on, it’s just that I’m mad that he didn’t make that effort when he was with me.

I’m obsessed with seeing what he does every day and I’m thinking of getting back in touch to see our romance† Is that a bad idea?

ANSWERS: I will be honest with you. I think it’s an idea that will leave you hurt and disappointed.

You said yourself that husband was ambivalent about you relation and that he did nothing to try and fight for the relationship. Sounds like he still hasn’t. While it is clear that he has made changes in himself, I am not convinced that he is willing to make changes in the relationship.

Why it’s so hard to move on

Sounds like you have unresolved issues with the relation that keep you on a leash. But that doesn’t mean you’re still in love with him. I think you’re holding it because you’re trying to prove a point for which you’re worth someone who makes the effort.

You need to look at the anger you feel at the fact that he didn’t bother with you. Unresolved and unresolved emotions keep us stuck or spinning in circles. Right now, the anger you feel and the emotions underneath are part of what keeps you hooked on him.

Whatever feelings there are under anger, they are probably more sensitive and vulnerable than the anger itself. These softer, more vulnerable feelings can be difficult to get in touch with. It may take you a while to catch on and understand what is there.

I think it’s a mixture of some kind of pain and maybe not even feeling well enough that he didn’t bother with you. Unraveling this can help you move forward.

Break the addiction

You also need to break the addiction to him. We literally become addicted to thinking about an ex because of the release of hormones and endorphins in our brains when we think about them. You have to be really disciplined with yourself to break that addiction or else you’ll keep tormenting yourself thinking about it.

How do you get over your ex?

Write a list of all the reasons why it failed

I mean them all. Not just the one you told me, but the one you’re trying to ignore. All the things that annoyed you and didn’t work – write them down.

Whenever you’re wondering what the possibilities are with him, grab the list and read through it.

Block them on social media

This will take a lot of willpower, but you have to do it for your own good. Blocking him (at least until you get over this) makes it harder for you to watch what he does every day.

Put a support system in place

If you feel yourself spiraling, about to go down the rabbit hole of tracking his movements for the past month, do something else. Provide a support system to stop you. The more support you have in this, the better.

Some great supports are connecting with your friends – and reaching out to them instead of stalking your ex on social media. Or regular exercise, promising yourself that you will go for a walk if you feel the temptation to suddenly unblock it.

focus on you

Stop being jealous of your ex’s life and focus on your life instead. Do the things that fill your cup. Fill your life so you don’t even have time to think about your ex.

What hobbies do you want?

What goals do you have for your life?

Can you reconnect with old friends or make new ones?

Go to a therapist

Complaining about your ex is not healthy. I suspect you would benefit from having someone to talk to about the emotions you are feeling and the underlying patterns that are here.

Therapy can be a safe outlet for this. It is often a more effective support than talking to your friends or trying to do it alone. Therapy can also help you get your own life back on track and choose a more fulfilling relationship in the future.

Isiah McKimmie is a relationship therapist, sexologist, sexologist and teacher. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.