Hilarious ‘Web 3 Console’ Will Never, Ever Happen

Hilarious ‘Web 3 Console’ Will Never Happen

The Polium One is the answer to a question no one has ever asked, and never will. It is a “next-gen console for web3 gaming.” That is, a render on a website for a fictitious machine that I believe will absolutely never be made. I challenge them to prove me wrong.

To be clear from the start, “web3” or “web 3.0” is the umbrella term for a series of transparent obvious scam, from the delusions of cryptocurrency to the embarrassment of NFTs. It doesn’t really mean something, and when you see someone using it, you know you need to steer very broadly. So yes, the Polium One!

Polium, a company so well known it wasn’t even able to… Twitter name with only one underscore after the brand name, announced that it plans to make the first console designed for…for…the thing. You know. The web3 stuff. Um, like, payments! Yes, the payments! You can pay things on it with all kinds of crypto!

Seriously, that’s all it has. The hilarious website, which suggests a launch in 2024 for lenders, 2025 for the hoi polloi, has an FAQ that offers absolutely no answers other than what bullshit payment networks it will accept. You, a nocoiner, may want to ask, “Which games will be available at launch?” but you will only be told, “We are currently in talks with multiple game developers.” Meanwhile, a true believer will want to know that you can spend your fake money through Ethereum, Solana, Polygon, BNB, Imm…

My favorite question in the FAQ is “What are the specs?” And not just for that painstaking attempt not to split the infinitive. Here’s the answer, in full:

“We want to build a high-performance console. The specifications you see on the site will not be confirmed until we have a functional prototype.”

A high performance! Where do I pre-order?!

As for those “specifications” on the site, they are – as far as I know – the following: 4K Ultra HD, TouchID, 8K HDR, Ray Tracing, up to 120 frames per second.

Let’s break that down. It’s 4K AND 8K, has ray tracing and 120 fps on its no graphics card, and shows off… Apple’s wholly owned and unavailable TouchID to outsiders! Bold claims!

It really doubles that TouchID declaration, which it is absolutely not possibleclaiming that it is also the technology that will prevent others from sneaking in and using your console to spend all your crypto on a picture of a monkey.

However, if you’re looking to spend all your own crypto on a picture of a monkey, the console will assist you, offering a “multi-chain wallet for trading, bartering and bridging” as well as “buy and trade NFTs and in-game items.” ”

It gets even funnier when you watch Polium’s Medium page, where we are told that “the console will be built by the community.” uh, right? Well, you see, “We will be taking pre-orders before the console hardware is fully built. This will help us gather feedback, ideas and validation from customers.” Ahhh They take your money before anything exists to feel more valid I get it.

Let us remember, no of this exists. It’s a display alongside a series of nonsensical claims and a promise of a prototype “in a few months”. Nothing suggests a roadmap to victory like “in a pair.” But where suddenly there is a puddle of detail is a mock-up of its ‘clean dashboard’.

Image: Police

Look at that range of games! there is across, the Bored Ape Yacht Club “metaverse” game that never quite comes out! there is Decentralland, the miserable virtual world of NFTs! there is main Street, an in-alpha online shopping mall! And so on. Any “game” it imagines running on the system is a big mess of ways to spend money, requiring you to “plug in a wallet” before you can play. It’s not subtle. And of course none of these are confirmed for the Polium, as the Poium is completely imaginary at the moment.

Not to mention what the Game Cube’s decal is like, where the negative space G is swapped out for a P. Or how the controller is a Dollar Store Dual Sense with the trackpad fallen off.

So how do you buy one? Because god knows you’re desperate right now, right? Coincidentally, you have to spend a ton of crypto on a “pass”. A pass that you can then exchange for a console if the thing was never made.

BUT WAIT, THERE IS MORE! Buy a Polium Pass as soon as the company has the guts to make it live, and you’ll also get a “free” Playables PFP NFT! That is, a jpeg of a “retro robot”, and like so much about this gibberish, Polium will “provide more information later this year”. How are you going to pay for things? Using “PLAY”, a token that Polium will “provide more information on” later this year.

It’s extraordinary how much information will be provided later this year, as if the announcement of the fantastic product came as a surprise to Polium Underscore Underscore.

Every section on the site is just so (un)funny. Such as the ‘road map’. Oh my god I love it so much.

Screenshot: Polium / KotakuScreenshot: Polium / Kotaku

Perfect. To have all my money.

We will, of course, keep you updated on every step of the Polium’s development, from the time it starts taking people’s money to the final announcement that it won’t go ahead after all.

If this thing ever gets out, I’ll set my own head on fire.


#Hilarious #Web #Console #Happen

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